If I were to ask him right now what, in an ideal world, would happen between us, what would his answer be?
What would be my answer?
Exactly what is happening. For it to be over between us. For me to move into the house, for him and Gem to go somewhere else. For life to progress, to move on, to try again. To do all of the things I’ve been wanting to do, but haven’t.
His answer would be for everything to go back to the way it was, for nothing to change. For him the past five years have been full of changes – he talks longingly about the futon and tube tv we had when we moved here, days without a car, without money or means. The good old days when we were happy.
But the good old days haven’t been good in a very long time. We didn’t fight constantly, we didn’t hate each other, but we also didn’t do better. We stopped progressing and that is death to me.
So what do I want that is so different?
It’s more than just a house but everything seems to stem from there. I want to putter and have something to do, instead of sitting on the couch stuffing my face. I want to be able to get outdoors, to garden, to shovel snow, to have a game of catch in the back yard, to hang a basketball net in the driveway. I want to get a dog and go for walks. I want to decorate and redecorate. I want to try, I want to do.
He could have been a part of all of that. I thought he would be a part of all that. But there was more, the stuff I kept deep inside. I want to be kissed, not a smooch or a peck but a real, honest to goodness kiss. I want to be touched, to be felt, to be appreciated and acknowledged. I want change and adventure and different.
The same is suffocating to me; change sends him into a frenzy. We have had a good time together. It is time for it to end.