In that moment

I haven’t seen Unionguy in over a week and I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s almost a craving. It is a craving. He’s chocolate and vibrators.

Most of the time I push the thought aside. I remind myself that it doesn’t matter yet; it might never matter but it really doesn’t matter yet. I am with Mil and we have been doing better since our talk. He is trying to be present, he actually called the therapist this time and has an appointment tomorrow. He’s doing, he’s acknowledging me, he’s trying. And, quite frankly, as long as he is trying I will also try.

It also doesn’t matter because there is a significant chance that Unionguy doesn’t even think of or feel anything for me. I’m okay with that. I learned the long and hard lesson that I need only trouble myself with the things I can control, and it’s important to let the rest be, it must work itself out. I used to think that I needed to force an outcome. I now know that trying to force an outcome only forces drama and frustration. I must let this go, to allow the world to unfold around me.

It’s that moment that is the real problem. It’s that moment I think one little text won’t matter. Like the moment you have just one chip, one more cigarette, run one more mile, work one more hour. But I could send something witty, something flirty; I could ask his advice or for help with an issue I need to solve; I could ask about his day or simply say hello; I could try and make him fall in love with me to see if he does. It’s that moment I need to control, force.

Maybe it wouldn’t matter in the long run. If he likes me he likes me, if he doesn’t he just doesn’t. And I know I could force an end as easily as I could force a beginning but I don’t want either of those right now.

So the next time I am in that moment, I will remind myself to stick a pin in it and concentrate on something else. It’s the best answer right now, and that’s all I have to work with.

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