There used to be a time that I felt I couldn’t get a break. It was one thing after another, work would suck, love would hurt, money would be non-existent, health would suffer, and time and time again I would find myself barely hanging on. So I spent a lot of time reflecting and questioning, considering and learning, trying and trying and trying.
Gradually things started to turn around. Still ups and downs but for the most part the good times started to last much longer than the bad and I felt I had my life on the right track, even through the bumps and bends.
Now we are at the cusp of a breakthrough: finally getting a house to rent, a giant leap away from this apartment that has felt like a cage for the past five years; a new job opportunity on the horizon, which will culminate in a goal I have been working toward for nearly a decade; and perhaps I am even getting close to shedding this protective suit of fat I have been wearing my whole life.
This past week or two, however, it seems everything is sliding back into that downward spiral. Mil is falling apart at the seams, Gem spends most of her last hours with us crying alone in her room, I am strung out about money and work and this crush I can’t seem to want to shake, and work. And work.
Do you know what I really hate? I hate when people put their bullshit on my plate and expect me to eat it. I will support Mil, I know he is going through a rough time, I know he struggles with anxiety. But for him to say I am arrogant and uncaring is downright offensive. I do so much for him. And I know I’m not perfect. He is supposed to know that this is the first time in my life that I have allowed myself to be not perfect in front of someone else. For him to shove it in my face like that felt like he was scraping my skin off. How can you look at someone that way and still say you love them? I don’t want to be loved by someone who thinks that of me.
And work. Every single day there’s something new. When I try to discuss things, I’m pushing back. When I try to stand out by having an opinion, I’m out of line. People are moving out at record speed and I’m trying to refill the place as fast as possible. Again, I know I’m not perfect. But I do my best every single day. I don’t just love what I do, I live it, it is a part of me. So for someone to say I have a bad attitude or that I’m trash talking someone, again, it’s offensive.
But I am the common denominator in all of this. What does that mean?
I don’t know. I’ll keep going, I’ll keep course correcting, keep being the person who gets up and gets the job done. It’s all I can do. The chips can fall where they may, because I am not eating them this time.