This was one of the most difficult weeks in recent memory, the trifecta of chaos: money, work, and my relationship all slid into a pile of shit. However, something I’ve learned through trial and error and error and error is that every time things get hard, something wonderful is on the other side. If I keep trying, I will get where I want/need to go.
On Thursday the nearly four years of driving a crappy car that I hate will finally end. And I’ll have a nice car, not okay but NICE. Satellite radio, navigation, back up camera, heated steering wheel, the works. It’ll be a challenge financially but we can make it work.
So, dude at the car place gave me a loner because I had an out of town meeting the next day. After three hours of sleep, I got up at 5:30am, determined to not be late (like I was the past two or three times). I plugged the location into my GPS and headed out early. I got there with so much time to spare that I drove around for a bit, grabbed some breakfast, answered some emails and just chilled while patting myself on the back for being the amazing person I am. That’s about when I realized I was in the wrong fucking place and had 15 minutes to make the 30 minute drive to the right place. And, since the two directors who were hosting the meeting have decided I have an attitude problem and are in control of my future promotion (or lack thereof, so it would seem), I had a near breakdown. The harder I try the more I fuck up with these people. But they are wrong about who they think I am, and some day, some day things will be different and I will progress and I will overcome.
As for the relationship situation, we really had it out last night. We are both frustrated right now, he senses me pulling away but he is too. He said he thinks I’m arrogant, that I have a big ego. He says I’m mean and selfish and he feels he has to walk on eggshells around me. I said I don’t want to be with someone who thinks that about me. Is he right? How could he be? I don’t deny that I am confident, of course I think I’m right when it comes to our disagreements (why would I have a disagreement if I don’t think I’m right?). Am I mean? I certainly don’t intend to be but I do get frustrated with him and Gem so maybe it could be translated that way. Anyway, he wanted an absolute answer from me about my intention to stay or go but I just couldn’t give him that. Like I said, who wants to be with someone who thinks such awful things about them. Yes, he thinks awful things about most people but who wants to be with someone like that either? Me, I guess. No matter how much it frustrates me.
Let me give you an example from my perspective, though. As I said this was probably the most difficult week I’ve had in a year and he had no idea. I bought a car on Wednesday and he found out on Friday night. He only sees himself, nothing exists beyond his reality. But I figured that out a very long time ago. Anyway, who knows what the future holds? It will work out or it won’t. Either way I know without a doubt that I will survive and be happy. Perhaps that’s the arrogance in me but I fought long and hard for it and I’m not giving it up.
Good night and good luck.