We are finally at the place where, as a family, we can take a break from each other. Mil is in the living room watching a documentary, Gem is in bed and watching Bee Movie, I’m in here with the Plex all loaded and ready to go. But meh.
Things are good, although I’m starting to wonder if we over corrected.
We used to spend all of our free time together, but for a long time there was a sort of desperation in it more than desire for each other’s company. We were learning to trust each other – he was afraid to leave, I was afraid to stay.
I think we both spent most of our time in set position, hunched down for the sprint that would inevitably come. Because it had been such a large part of our lives before. He would pull me in the manner of a desperate boy who couldn’t bear to lose yet another person he loved; and I pushed him away, fearing that I was supposed to be alone.
But eventually, through time and an awful lot of fighting (real straightlaced fighting for the most part, I’m proud to say), I realized I could stay and he realized he didn’t have to go.
Gradually – and this might very well be the secret to a happy marriage – the times we used to spend mad at each other, we began to spend indulging in our own interests (to translate, he plays video games and watches documentaries in the living room while I watch movies and read in the bedroom). The rest of the time we spend together, we chat and joke, we talk or just sit quietly in each other’s company; we eat together, we watch tv together, we nearly always go to bed together – as much as we can considering his shift work, of course. We like each other, we know and respect each other’s rhythms, and we are starting to share coping mechanisms.
Lately though, I’m wondering if we over corrected. Because we barely have time to spend together, we rarely touch. We don’t seem to be attracted or attractive to each other. We spend more and more time in separate spaces, him getting drunk while he plays video games and dozes while I eat too much or get stoned (okay, usually both 😝). Let me alter that statement: I get stoned and eat junk food and moon about Unionguy.
I really like Union guy, though. He is sex on a cracker. I chased him around like a teenager at first. It was silly and fun and scary. (He flirted back but I don’t think he knew what to make of me, as is often the case.) Now we have become friends, we talk about our lives and interests, life lessons and opinions and perspectives. I like spending time with him. He fascinates me. He reaches something, way down in the pit of my stomach. Not many people get there.
He understands people, in a very positive straightforward way. And can express himself with wisdom and a grain of salt only. He mentors me. He answers the questions I actually ask. And in a way that makes me want to ask more. I find myself just wanting to be near him, to learn from him, and to listen and hear myself through his words. I like the way he looks, I like the way he smells; we tease and flirt like crazy, an innocent boy/girl relationship.
Notice I didn’t say man/woman relationship. This is not and cannot be a physical thing. He is with someone else and so am I. And, even though his relationship is shaky right now, I have made a promise to the Man I Love that I will stay with him. And that’s what I am going to do.
I don’t cheat. And I really like being someone who doesn’t cheat. Maybe the gift I could give Unionguy in return for the things he gives me is to show him that not everybody cheats.
There’s this part of me, though, a part that loves the movie The Bridges of Maddison County way, way too much.
But maybe, by being BFFs (best flirting friends) without indulging in these lusts of the flesh (even though they are the best lusts of all), we will be able to sustain this thing for a little longer than we would otherwise.
Tonight, though? I’m going to watch a smutty romantic movie. I even cleaned my Rabbitt for the occasion. (Read: the occasion of my own perfect storm of fun: ‘me’ night, Mary jane, and the kind of horniness only ovulation and vampires can bring. 😃)