Getting there

I guess it would be fair to say I am struggling right now. You see, I made this promise. To love him and be there for him. It seems many days I don’t receive a fraction of what I give but that’s okay for the most part. I’m more about the quality, to be honest. I’m just not really getting that either. I made a promise and I don’t want to go anywhere.

There is this voice in my head, though. And it’s asking questions I just can’t answer right now. I need a visit with former-me. What was it like when we were getting to know each other? What were we saying then? Do we still have the same problems we had back then, six years ago?

And what does the answer to that question mean? Does that matter? Will it matter in six more years? How about 16? 56?

Luckily we got to know each other online and I kept a blog that included some of both of our Tumblr posts. He kept another blog back then too.

I’ve got some heavy reading to do tonight.

Part of me isn’t sure I want to do this. Will it help or will it make things worse? I just need to cry so bad.

I’ll probably share some reminders for future me. Just saying.

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I see him looking at me sometimes and I like it. Like the other day when I was talking to his mom, and I feel that often when I talk to him. He sees people. He sees me. He genuinely wants to know and help. He doesn’t tell me he ‘gets’ me while trying to convince me I’ll never get him. He doesn’t send perverted messages or speak out of turn, but he flirts like he gets paid to do it. He doesn’t rub against me or try to put his tongue down my throat; he doesn’t ignore me or make me feel unworthy of him. He respects me, he respects his mother, he wants to respect his girlfriend but he is bothered that she might not deserve it. He is good people and I want to be near him. That’s all I know right now. It’s a gut reaction that I have to follow and believe in.

 

Me and Kevie

Mil met Kevie when we were home this summer. I glanced back and him quickly, wondering if he knew, if he could tell the impact this man made on my life. I had mentioned him once, when we were first dating and talking about past lovers. Or I made a comment on my blog or something. Either way, Mil wasn’t impressed in the story of Kevie all those years before, but he was so upset about it I’m sure he gapped it. He’s pretty good at that.

Kevie is the man I had an affair with for a month or so way back in 1996. My uncle’s best friend, pretty much my dad’s best friend (after, not so much before). He is about 25 years older than me. I find him as attractive today as I did back then. I don’t wet my panties for him anymore but I still remember the man I used to brush against, we’d speak in flirty innuendo, a wink, a giggle, knowing looks, it was pretty hot. (Hey, I had crushes on older men my whole life. Kevie was a good man and I needed to have sex with him.)

But we both grew from our short, intense little affair. I seduced him, if you want to know the truth. He was the first non-teenager I had convinced to sleep with me. My favourite part of the whole affair was when it was over, it was over. We didn’t talk about it after, we didn’t argue or debate or morn. It ran it’s course, he started dating women his age and I went out into the world to try that shit again. It was fun!

Kevie was dick zero. I didn’t lose my virginity to him but it was the first time I didn’t feel awkward or bored or dirty after. It was the first time I felt my vagina had more power than just a place for some guy I barely knew to plug his dick in. I didn’t have to take whoever would bite, I had a lure. I didn’t have to pretend I was awesome by writing strong words and descriptive sentences, I could just make snappy allegories and everyone would think Iwas awesome by default. Like now.

(P.S. I don’t actually know what allegories are or if I used the word in the proper context but I’m awesome so it doesn’t matter.)

(P.P.S. Vagina.)

 

 

Sometimes things are exactly what they seem

Am I not being the person I think I am? The person I say I am?

My mouth got me in trouble at work again, I’m trying to course correct but the fucking hot air blowing from them is knocking me over. I don’t like dealing with people who two face me, I don’t want to work for someone I don’t trust. They did earn a bit of my trust today, but only if they were speaking the truth. I believe they were genuine but who am I to say?

Was I speaking the truth? Who are they to say? Did they believe me? And due to the fact that they have no way to know for sure (unless they have crazy solid proof, which they would have brought up), it matters whether they believe me or not.

A part of me wanted to scream “How dare you, sir? How. Dare. You. I would never speak that way and if you had any respect for me, you would know I wouldn’t. I make every effort to live in a way that speaks my truth, and my truth is not that my sister residence is not ‘the ugly step-child.'” But at the same time, all I could think was “Did I? Did I say that? Would I say that?” And the answer was no. I wouldn’t say that because I don’t believe it, I don’t believe in it. I applied for the sales position over there, too, and for the GM position. I spent a lot of time studying how I would sell it, I practiced for my interview by listing their strengths and weaknesses. And if the job came up, I would apply for it.

I say it is smaller, more intimate, kind of boutique-y; I describe how it looks like an old southern house, with white shutters and a wrap around porch. I speak highly of it, say it’s a little low key. I don’t say the prices are lower than ours unless the prospect can’t afford us, then I will call Kristen personally. Of course (and it is possible this is what happened because I have an exceptionally bad memory and can’t place it for sure) but if someone said “I guess they are the ugly step-child… hahaha” I would probably snicker because they are a prospect and they just made a joke – just as I would giggle if a guy I had a crush on made a joke. *tee hee what a terrible thing to say tee hee*

Also to my benefit I had proof from someone else that I speak with nothing but respect for others, which I forwarded to my boss the very day before. And I had had the conversation with someone just an hour before; I have that conversation every single day, I didn’t stumble, this is what I say. And I have a step-child, that is not my way of thinking. And, honestly, if you want to get down to brass tacks (or brass tax… I don’t exactly know what it means), I call it my “sister” residence, so I would have said “ugly step-sister” or daughter, never child.

So, while I would be offended if they didn’t believe me, that’s not really up to me. That usually comes from their own lives and experiences. They don’t know me; they don’t know who I am or where I have come from, they don’t know how I came to be or the colour of the blood that pumps my heart. They are too busy listening to their own story to hear mine, and that’s okay. I can’t live my life freely if I can’t be free and let others be free as well.

Life is hard, yo

There used to be a time that I felt I couldn’t get a break. It was one thing after another, work would suck, love would hurt, money would be non-existent, health would suffer, and time and time again I would find myself barely hanging on. So I spent a lot of time reflecting and questioning, considering and learning, trying and trying and trying.

Gradually things started to turn around. Still ups and downs but for the most part the good times started to last much longer than the bad and I felt I had my life on the right track, even through the bumps and bends.

Now we are at the cusp of a breakthrough: finally getting a house to rent, a giant leap away from this apartment that has felt like a cage for the past five years; a new job opportunity on the horizon, which will culminate in a goal I have been working toward for nearly a decade; and perhaps I am even getting close to shedding this protective suit of fat I have been wearing my whole life.

This past week or two, however, it seems everything is sliding back into that downward spiral. Mil is falling apart at the seams, Gem spends most of her last hours with us crying alone in her room, I am strung out about money and work and this crush I can’t seem to want to shake, and work. And work.

Do you know what I really hate? I hate when people put their bullshit on my plate and expect me to eat it. I will support Mil, I know he is going through a rough time, I know he struggles with anxiety. But for him to say I am arrogant and uncaring is downright offensive. I do so much for him. And I know I’m not perfect. He is supposed to know that this is the first time in my life that I have allowed myself to be not perfect in front of someone else. For him to shove it in my face like that felt like he was scraping my skin off. How can you look at someone that way and still say you love them? I don’t want to be loved by someone who thinks that of me.

And work. Every single day there’s something new. When I try to discuss things, I’m pushing back. When I try to stand out by having an opinion, I’m out of line. People are moving out at record speed and I’m trying to refill the place as fast as possible. Again, I know I’m not perfect. But I do my best every single day. I don’t just love what I do, I live it, it is a part of me. So for someone to say I have a bad attitude or that I’m trash talking someone, again, it’s offensive.

But I am the common denominator in all of this. What does that mean?

I don’t know. I’ll keep going, I’ll keep course correcting, keep being the person who gets up and gets the job done. It’s all I can do. The chips can fall where they may, because I am not eating them this time.

To get to the other side

This was one of the most difficult weeks in recent memory, the trifecta of chaos: money, work, and my relationship all slid into a pile of shit. However, something I’ve learned through trial and error and error and error is that every time things get hard, something wonderful is on the other side. If I keep trying, I will get where I want/need to go.

On Thursday the nearly four years of driving a crappy car that I hate will finally end. And I’ll have a nice car, not okay but NICE. Satellite radio, navigation, back up camera, heated steering wheel, the works. It’ll be a challenge financially but we can make it work.

So, dude at the car place gave me a loner because I had an out of town meeting the next day. After three hours of sleep, I got up at 5:30am, determined to not be late (like I was the past two or three times). I plugged the location into my GPS and headed out early. I got there with so much time to spare that I drove around for a bit, grabbed some breakfast,  answered some emails and just chilled while patting myself on the back for being the amazing person I am. That’s about when I realized I was in the wrong fucking place and had 15 minutes to make the 30 minute drive to the right place. And, since the two directors who were hosting the meeting have decided I have an attitude problem and are in control of my future promotion  (or lack thereof, so it would seem), I had a near breakdown. The harder I try the more I fuck up with these people. But they are wrong about who they think I am, and some day, some day things will be different and I will progress and I will overcome.

As for the relationship situation, we really had it out last night. We are both frustrated right now, he senses me pulling away but he is too. He said he thinks I’m arrogant, that I have a big ego. He says I’m mean and selfish and he feels he has to walk on eggshells around me. I said I don’t want to be with someone who thinks that about me. Is he right? How could he be? I don’t deny that I am confident, of course I think I’m right when it comes to our disagreements (why would I have a disagreement if I don’t think I’m right?). Am I mean? I certainly don’t intend to be but I do get frustrated with him and Gem so maybe it could be translated that way. Anyway, he wanted an absolute answer from me about my intention to stay or go but I just couldn’t give him that. Like I said, who wants to be with someone who thinks such awful things about them. Yes, he thinks awful things about most people but who wants to be with someone like that either? Me, I guess. No matter how much it frustrates me.

Let me give you an example from my perspective, though. As I said this was probably the most difficult week I’ve had in a year and he had no idea. I bought a car on Wednesday and he found out on Friday night. He only sees himself, nothing exists beyond his reality. But I figured that out a very long time ago. Anyway, who knows what the future holds? It will work out or it won’t. Either way I know without a doubt that I will survive and be happy. Perhaps that’s the arrogance in me but I fought long and hard for it and I’m not giving it up.

Good night and good luck.