The Moment

Today I came home from work seriously pissed off with myself. What the hell, me? What are you doing? What’s the end game here? Flirting your ass off with some guy, mooning over him when he’s not around. Where exactly do you want this to go?

I know I don’t want anything to happen between us. Except that I kind of do. It’s like Kevie, way back in 1995. The forbidden fruit. I tasted that fruit, and it was good, but it was different because there was no one to hurt, no one besides us was involved. That taste actually made a significant positive impact on my life. So maybe that lesson could apply here too, in reverse.

Maybe this can be the moment I turn it all around. Maybe someday I’ll look back and know that something really really good came from all this silliness.

I’m too lenient on myself, too easy. I let myself push and push; I want means I get, I want means I’ll take if I have to. Food, money, people. Me me me. That is my life – me.

That is well and good to some degree. I would rather put myself first than last. But I don’t need to always put myself and my wants ahead of everything and everyone else. (I just like to. I don’t need to. 😋)

So if this is the moment I say no more, what does that mean? No more watching the phone and fantasizing because I want to defy consequence. No more eating everything in sight because tomorrow I’ll be better. No slacking off at work and delaying my responsibilities because I feel like it. No making unkept promises that I’ll do better, eat healthier, exercise more.

I’m so damn easy on myself. Maybe that’s the problem with raising yourself: you can get away with anything and everything. It caused lots of trouble though, too, didn’t it?

Smarten up, chump. Let this be the day. Make this the moment you turned it all around. You can. You should. You will.

Thanks for checking in, future me.

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