Have I ever told you about my old blog? The one I was using when I was figuring out my life and stuff? Well, there were several. I used to spend a significant amount of time writing and reading, considering and questioning. It’s pretty amazing, actually, that it landed me here… the person I want to be.
There was a long time, though, that I didn’t like who I was but I wasn’t sure who I wanted to be. I would discuss things in my head, kind of like “what would the person I want to be do in this situation.” In fact, I remember the moment of what was possibly the first time I did it consciously. I was washing my hands in the bathroom and I looked into the mirror and said “how would a thin person handle this?” And then I laughed, rolled my eyes and told myself I was an idiot.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I had a quick logical conversation with myself that ended well. I had a particularly busy and stressful couple of days at work. The event I hosted was a complete DISASTER. It didn’t go the way I had planned, people were frustrated, several were actually pissed off. But I did good, I was really impressed with the way I handled things and was able to turn them around somewhat.
On the way home, I was trying to decide what I wanted to have for dinner but was far too tired and hungry to cook (I didn’t have a chance to eat today, either) so I decided to go to McDonald’s for a Big Mac, my comfort/celebration/punishment food of days long gone. I actually turned the car and started driving in that direction, and I heard myself tell myself that I “deserved” it.
“Go ahead, me”, I thought, “you worked hard, no one would blame you. You deserve it.” Then I realized that what I really deserved was to eat something healthy, that was good for me, something that would give my body fuel and energy, not some crap that would be sloppily put together, disappointing and unfulfilling, and cause regret and indigestion later. So I decided that what I really deserved was to buy myself a nice salad. And that’s exactly what I did. Then I got on my bike for 80 minutes and I ended the day with a great big fat pat on the back. And some chips, but that’s another story for another day. 😉